When it’s not a scorching 88 degrees outside, it’s humid and raining. You can’t win, living in Minnesota these days, in regards to the weather. Seasons like these make me almost wish it were winter again (and when it is, it lasts half the year, and I begin wishing for hot weather, which restarts the cycle all over again).
Being the mastermind deviant I am, the rules placed upon me at home no longer apply, though I find myself locked up in my bedroom, Internet cable running from beneath the floor across the short length of my room over to my (technically my brother’s) laptop.
Ignore the melancholy tone in all of this writing — I am running on lack of sleep and caffeine.
My top Google searches are PDF classics by authors such as Lewis Carroll, Lemony Snicket, and Vladimir Nabokov. I even created a Bookmark File in Chrome just for PDF books. For some reason, I can’t sit still long enough to read from an actual paper book. Komisch.
My recently watched YouTube videos are about “how to be a model” or “anorexia stories”, “height and weight requirements”, and “model diets”, along with some Vines compilations and Sami Yusuf nasheeds (after all, it is Ramadan).
I should be cleaning my room, especially the wreck of a closet I have. But I get bored and frustrated easily, and the same clothes I folded yesterday remain in a messy heap on the floor. The other day, I cleaned out my dresser drawers, removing clothes I no longer fit into (sizes 0 – 7, respectively) into plastic grocery bags. I carried these bags into the living room, where Mom keeps as a storage room, per se, and wrote “Nadia’s clothes — KEEP — do NOT sell!” because someday maybe I will be a wintergirl again.
Now that my dresser is sorted, I must do the same for the closet. But where can I store the pretty velvet dresses hanging on green plastic hangers? I can’t put those in a plastic bag. They will surely get ruined.
How terribly ugly my wardrobe is these days. I have to wear discounted guy’s shirts because I’m too huge and “curvy” for anything from the junior’s (not that I would want – or could possibly afford – any of that skimpy, limpy shit anyway).
Dad keeps talking about visiting the East Coast later this summer. He wants to bring me with. The way he talks to me these days, I wonder: Does he really want to bring me along? I wonder what I need to do to change. I can’t be the perfect daughter to my parents, and I never will be. I am too different. But, there is something I can do:
I can lose weight.
I know I am capable of doing so. I know what happens when I do. I am perfectly aware of the side affects, symptoms I have had before last year in the spring to autumn: brittle nails, hair loss, anxiety, insomnia. But it’s alright (I tell myself this, at least), because most of my friends are ten lbs less than I weigh, and I only would lose twenty max and still be at a healthy range for my height and age. Fasting is perfectly healthy, as long as I eat plenty of healthy foods in between and take supplements and do some light exercise (perhaps meditation and Yoga? That helps with anxiety and concentration especially). I drink too much coffee, but I can try to drink more water and tea.
Oh, the planning that goes hand-in-hand with an eating disorder. Really, it’s tiresome…